.....

While driving to work the other day I saw an impossibly small car that said "snort" on the back, assumingly the make of the car. I thought to myself, "Yeah, the first thing I did when i saw the car was snort." Then upon closer inspection I noticed the car didn't say "snort" but "smart". Haha, it was a smart car!!  I still think 'snort' is a much more apt name than 'smart'.

I think the part that is hardest to come to terms with, is that you invest so much energy and time into this one thing, build up all this momentum to keep it going and then one day, you're told it's time to stop. How do you do that? That momentum and build up of energy doesn't just disappear and so you're forced to suppress it. And what happens when you suppress it for too long? Do you let it out slowly? Invest that remaining energy into something else? Or, does it fnally and inevitably explode?

One of my most favorite things to do is steal wear my dad's sweaters. I love the bigness of them and that "dad" smell.

I also enjoy wearing my boyfriend's clothes around the house, not just because I also feel small but because it's as if wearing his clothes makes him more mine. Another level of intimacy, almost. I'd steal his sweaters too if he had more than one (the boy never gets cold). Lucky monkey.

Don't ever try and use the excuse "..but I did my best" when you clearly did not because I will throw it back in your face. While I'm not one to judge what is someone's best, when it comes to completing applications I think it's pretty fair to say that requires no judgement, just the ability to read! 

So, I'm telling you that there is a lot of missing information and a lot questions unanswered and you tell me you did your best??  That will only serve to annoy me more, I'll start pointing out every single thing missing BUT it was my first phone call of the day so you got lucky because I was trying really hard to be nice! C'mon BASIC information....mailing address, telephone number, license number, gross annual reciepts! These aren't obscure pieces of information, what makes you think you did your "best"??

Ugh, I can't stand this agent. Every single thing from that agency is crap thrown together haphazardly and they never ever complete an application properly no matter how many times I explain to them clearly how to complete a freakin' application! These aren't tax forms people; this is more akin to filling out a job application. Geez.

We're going to try and watch the Perseids tonight! I've never seen a "falling star" before! If I remember the news articles correctly it's supposed to be a good showing since the moon is new. We planned on going last year but the moon was full. The shower is predicted to be at it's best in the early morning hours which means I won't be getting much sleep tonight.

I also have a big decision at work tomorrow and a being in a sleep deprived state doesn't bode well for me making the right choice.

Anyway, wish us luck!

I had a minor "freak-out" this weekend, I woke up, crawled out of bed and noticed myself in the mirror and thought "My body is looking nice lately."

But then I took a closer look and began to think maybe I'm starting to look a little too thin and I swear the next second my waist had struck 2 inches! And it kept getting worse as I kept trying to decide if I was starting to look like a walking skeleton or not. My reflection continued to get thinner and thinner until I had to run to Phil and confirm that I did not resemble a skeleton.

He informed me that in his opinion I looked perfectly normal, better than normal even. Ugh, am I still my high school self that worries about being too skinny when it seems everyone else is worried about the opposite? It does comfort me to think that there are many but definitely not all models who are taller than me and weigh less than me and still look attractive without looking scary.

I know I'm normal looking but sometimes I freak myself out anyhow, I do not want to look like Nicole Richie. Maybe this is how body dysmorphic disorder begins, you think you're all normal then you slowly characterize a part of your body or your whole body as not quite right and you begin to obsess with it,think about it constantly and try to fix something that's not broken until you've convinced yourself that you're horribly disfigured when of course, you're not.

Anyway, I've been indulging in desserts lately. I'm either subconsciously trying to gain weight to counter my little freak out or I'm just getting lazy. I'd put my bets on the latter.

I've been gone for quite awhile and not just from here. I'd been fully consumed with studying for the DAT until it came down to application time last month when I started applying and realized something horrible. I've never admitted to anyone what it is, not even to myself which led to the shocking and late revelation, though I'm sure one could venture to guess after this entry. It's been my only secret, it's nothing exciting or even the worst opposite. But, personally it's something I consider a major flaw and a source of great embarrassment as I feel it counters everything that I or anyone else has ever seen me as. I feel it reflects on my character and who I am as a person but I'm trying to listen to P and convince myself that it has absolutely nothing to do with my character and to stop being so negative regarding this subject.

Even telling P was a challenge, he listened to me tell him through choked sobs, tears and self-deprecating comments. And although he knows and is the only person who knows I only told him because I had no choice, I needed his help.

Anyway, I'm going back to school in this fall to do some post-bacc work and maybe some grad work as well. I'm going to get myself a lot of A's, more shadowing hours and start volunteering again. That always felt good. But the task ahead is daunting. I'm looking forward to going back to school but there is a lot of pressure on me to do extremely well. And I mean extremely. I want to go to dental school and the only way that's going to happen is if I finally pull myself together and focus for once in my life.

I'm really scared and excited at the same time. i really want to prove myself to not just my parents but myself as well. I know i have the abilites, I've just never applied them..much but whenever I did, I did well. So, here's hoping for the best. I just hope I get accepted into the school i want, I'll find out within the next week or so, otherwise it's off to Nor-cal for me. :(

Sometimes it made her sad to think or read about his past. It was always there, well-documented and taunting her in silence. Her eyes darted to and fro to evade stillness of thought and then in lock with his but staring past them with an ambivalence that screamed avoidance.

He knew this look only to well. Without prompting, he explained the difference again. I was different then. I was immature, intense and my reality was skewed. My outlet was my only comfort, a place that was sought after to fill a void. And when what I thought was the answer only turned out to be another gross phantasm, I was lost.

But we, us, this is mature love. This is genuine, real love with a foundation rooted in a reality that is grounded in 3 parts rationality and 1 part fantasy. It is love that was not plucked out of the air to fill a void; you are instead not my completion but my greatest complement. You mean more to me than anyone else has because you were put into my life at the perfect time. A time when all I had gone through came together at a precise moment that made me ready for you that second I stepped into your car.

And then she closed her eyes and he sighed.

With a steady voice she told him, I know this already. You are all that I want without explanation.

I love you and good night.